The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Pooping Alone

I have been gone from Blogger for a long while. I thought maybe I'd try my hand at writing again today since all of my four children are farmed out to various family members. Writing is a lot like riding a bike. Only I can forget how to do it. So, let's give it a shot.

I think the reason why I haven't written anything in so long is because I haven't had anything nice to say and I am a firm believer in taking life advice from talking animals in Disney cartoons.

Just kidding. I talk crap about people all the time. But, I've been trying to get better about saying things that are kind, true, and don't perpetuate a ton of negative gossip because we are all beings made of stardust and soul energy and ain't nobody got time for that bull-ish.

I have been doing a lot of meditating and soul searching and trying to become the best possible version of a human being that I can with the given tools at hand. I will list the tools I have that make me feel like being a better person is possible.

1. My Attitude
2. Will Power
3. Coffee
4. Alcohol
5. Pasta
6. Silence
7. Sleep

Maybe a few of those things aren't really tools to become a transcendental being but, fuck it, we're only human once, right?? YOHO!!!!!

Wow, I just realized that pirates really had their shit figured out.

Yo. Ho.

Meditation is amazing. After about ten minutes of meditating I feel like a whole new person. Well, after ten minutes of meditating if the kids aren't around. When it is silent and I am able to breathe and focus on my breathing and let go of negative thoughts and emotions, meditation is blissful and helps me throughout my entire day be a calmer, more patient person. Meditation while the kids are home is a completely different experience. Here's an example of kid-free meditation:

Peaceful, right?

And, here is an example of trying to meditate while a three year old is within fifty feet of you:

The beginning of my meditation with kids around. 
It's ok. I'll find balance. Just keep breathing...

What is happening in the other room the entire time 
I am trying to center myself and focus on my breathing.

The place I wish I could go to just to get away
from screaming children. I could really see myself getting into
a good trance atop a serene hill of garbage. 

Sometimes I try to sneak off while naps are being taken for a quick breather but it's like my kids have radar that pings every time I want to pee, poop, read, relax, or have sex. I read once that kids can sense when their mother is being intimate and they instinctively cry to prevent competition from a potential future sibling. So far, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on ignoring their cries for only-childhood since I have reproduced four times, but then that's four times the crying to try and prevent me from further reproduction. 

Don't worry kids, mommy can't have any more babies. Now let me have my damn adult time!! 

I have two kid free weeks starting today, and although it is weird, and a little sad when I want a tiny hug when they are all gone, I have a much different attitude than I have when the kiddos have been away from me before. You may have read my tales of loneliness in blogs of my kid-free past.

Disregard them. I am going to sleep in, meditate, poop all by myself, and eat ice cream for breakfast right out in the open instead of hiding in my closet like a fucking animal for the next two glorious weeks.


  1. Missed you! I hope you get some good lone poops in. We've been empty nesters (the second time around) for a year, and I thought there would be more living room sex, but really, not so much. It's just quieter. And cleaner. And I feel like I am at recess all day. Hang in, girl. My last of the 4 turned 21 and it's quite nice (they all live close). Hope to read more stuffs from you. I am in one of those "do I freaking even WANT to blog moods?", so I can relate.

    You scared me with all the sweet talk up talk. I like a crap talker.

  2. I have missed everyone, too. Every time I step away from writing and come back I ask myself, "Why did I leave??" But I guess the breather and perspective is good. I can't even imagine being an empty nester at this point. I feel like I have had tiny humans around for so long and I might go crazy enough to write a novel once they leave me.

  3. We both took a break! Welcome back. I keep telling myself I'm going to meditate but haven't gotten in the habit yet. Enjoy your poop time.

    1. It has been glorious. Now, time to catch up on your stuff. From the toilet.