The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I Declare Tortillas A Snack!!

In some ways I am glad not to have cable. Like, for instance, I am not getting myself all worked up over the stock market crash and can peruse news sites at my leisure, deciding whether or not I'm going to try my hand at capitalizing on other people's monumental loss. And, I don't have to bitch about commercials except for when they are at the beginning of a youtube video that I just want to watch now without seeing what kind of fucking cat food someone else thinks I should buy for my imaginary cat Mitzy. She's just fine on her steady diet of marshmallows and glitter, thank you.

Commercials are just about the worst. Except Super Bowl commercials. Except for last year. Usually they're pretty funny. And, who are these people telling me what to eat, or wear, or consume, anyway? You don't know me!! I am unique. I am a goddamned snowflake. You don't tell snowflakes what to eat or drink (coincidentally, they they drink whatever is the cheapest at Circle K). I don't conform to your societal rules of what is classified as a "snack," ok??

Cheez-its, fine, that's a snack. Goldfish crackers, alright... Getting colder, but still ok. Jell-O? No. Not a snack. Go screw yourselves, marketing team. Now, tortillas, THAT'S a snack. In fact, I had two in bed last night after work after Goldfish crackers left me unsatisfied. That's right. TORTILLAS. Stop judging me!!


That's what I'm talking about.

Who ever decided that these little babies were just one small integral part of a meal? I mean, no one is underestimating the pillowy goodness and importance of a tortilla (because if they did... so help them...), but seriously, when's the last time you saw a tortilla commercial? The tortilla team needs to up the ante is all I'm getting at. These things are A-MAZ-ING.
They not only are the glue that holds a burrito or a chimichanga together, but they're better at sopping up left over juices and thinner foods from your plate than dumb old bread. Which, by the way, is on my laundry list of complaints and future blog entries. What in the hell has happened to bread?? It's like pockets of air surrounded by molecules of bread-like crumbs. Anyway, getting off the topic. Tortillas are the business. 
I'm sorry, did I miss the meeting when it was decided that the Swiss are making bread now??

And, furthermore, (this is the part of the blog where I am now pretending to be a haughty lawyer hot shot, executing one hell of a closing statement to a jury of my peers) if tortillas could just be accepted as an actual snack food I won't have to feel my husband's eyes staring at me in disbelief as I gobble up two tortillas for my midnight snack anymore. Just do this for me, tortilla people. I don't ask for much. I just want to live in a world where I can eat mayonnaise and sweet chili sauce on a tortilla and not be considered some sort of low class freak because you can't get your marketing act together. I demand satisfaction. 

The next time I'm watching television somewhere else, if I don't see an obscene amount of tortilla commercials bombarding the public's eye and someone else telling people that tortillas are now a snack, I'm writing a letter. And, I beg my readers to do the same if they have ever felt the shame of shoving something into their mouths that technically isn't a snack. Like, a whole chicken leg, or three avocados, or celery. But, I kind of have to admit, if you're eating celery as a snack, we can't be friends anymore. Unless it is doused in mayo and sweet chili sauce, then it's cool, I'll over look it. 


  1. Don't give away the secret! If it gets out that tortillas are a snack then you just know they're going to ruin them somehow. Or they're going to bombard us with commercials and you're going to get sick of looking at tortillas. And you know what happens after you get sick of looking at them? You get sick of eating them. Way to go, commercials. You took a thing that was good and wrecked it.
    And you nailed the Jell-O, which is awesome because as anyone who's ever tried knows Jell-O is almost impossible to drive a nail through. Not only is it not a snack--it's not even a food. My grandfather didn't like Jell-O because he said it was "nervous".
    Wise man.
    And one of the most amazing meals I've ever had was when I was invited to an Indian friend's house. It included naan, the Indian version of a tortilla. And I watched him in amazement because for him naan wasn't a side or even for just sopping up leftovers. He scooped up all the food with it. The bread was a utensil--like a tasty edible spork.
    I'm going to quit now because my comment is longer than your post and also it's time for lunch.

  2. MMMMM... Indian fry bread... If you ever happen upon an Indian taco stand, STOP. You have to pull over immediately and have one. I was lucky to live in an area where they were made in abundance. And, no one can get sick of tortillas. It's not possible. I'm still writing someone a letter. Oh, and I like the cut of you grandpa's jib. He sounds like he knows his stuff.

  3. Tortillas are totally a snack. I don't know what your excuse is (besides that TORTILLAS ARE DELICIOUS) but when I was a kid, my mom used to fry up tortillas in butter and give them to my brother and I. Tortillas don't even NEED commercials. And I'm with Christopher - they would probably start making spicy tortillas and cinnamon-honey tortillas and glitter tortillas... I think you have to accept that you are the commercial for tortillas.

    1. I am willing to be the face of tortillas, if tortillas will have me. Your mom sounds like an angel.

  4. The stock market crashed? Yeah and how am I supposed to slather on the PB&J on the swiss bread?? Anything can be a snack to me - cereal, chocolate chips, meatballs, anything!

    1. It was supposed to crash yesterday according to a bunch of stupid predictions but they weren't correct so it looks like I won't be a Kroger shareholder any time soon. And now I want meatballs.