The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Monday, September 7, 2015

No Family Around: Part III

I woke up on Day 3 of Operation No Family: My Silent Downward Spiral to let the dogs out and feed them before I could pass out again in the same clothes I wore yesterday. Normally the first thought I have during any day is to make a pot of coffee, and then a second pot of coffee. I didn't even think of coffee until the late afternoon when I woke up for the second time. I fed the dogs, filled their water trough, and went directly back to my bed. I wrote a little bit and passed out until 4:15 pm.

I have some weird hang-ups about food and, yes, maybe some of the things I eat aren't socially acceptable. Like, for example, mayo and Pico Pica (or sweet chili sauce) mixed together and slathered on whatever protein or carb I feel like I'm in the mood for at the time. With everyone gone, I could finally eat my heart attack inducing secret sauce on everything in sight and not feel like people are looking at me funny.


Don't judge. Just try it some time.


With my family gone I have been reduced to a life of debauchery (like gambling... but, in my defense I won ten bucks and then lost it back and won four bucks and then lost it back and no one needs to know how much I was in the hole at one point. Let's just say I may not have been able to be distinguished from the non-opposable thumb mammals if I didn't break even) and drunkenness of the likes I haven't seen since my early twenties.

You'd think the Crossword Scratcher people would anticipate winnings based on people who love the English language and help a sister out. Between slots and scratchers I can definitely say that I'll never be a professional gambler.

And, yes, my husband is well aware of the types of things I will eat but I feel waaaaay more comfortable eating a half of an avacado filled to the brim with sweet chili sauce and sprinkled with garlic salt when he's not home to look at me like I'm a weirdo.
It's so fucking good, guys. You don't know what you're missing out on.


 So, by now you all realize how pathetic I am without my super tall husband around to grab things for me and tell me my butt looks great and the four tiny humans hanging by my pant legs. But, there is a conclusion here, and no moral to the story, except maybe that you should not let your family vacation without you or you will wither and die. I am a great cook. No, scratch that, I am an AMAZING cook. I have no one to cook for. I am physically incapable of cooking for less than an army at this point. So, when my family is not here I just buy a bag of queso flavored Lays at the gas station for dinner and I have THIS for dessert...


This is it, people. This is what I am. I faked being normal just long enough to bag a husband who loves me to the moon. And, now, it's all over. I'm a shell of a woman.


Thankfully my family will be home within the next twelve hours. I have just enough time to stay up all night watching Tina Fey make fun of everything I am (and aspire to be) and clean up my weekend alone mess so my family won't think less of me upon their return.




5 comments:

  1. Before we had our son, my Russian husband would go home nearly every year for two weeks. We both enjoyed our time apart (plus got to have awesome sex on his return to make up for the missing time). I noticed a pattern every time. For the first few days I would be like, "Woo-hoo! I am all alone! I can eat what I want! I can go to bed when I want!". And I would eat microwave popcorn or cereal for dinner and vacuum naked at midnight and read a book until three in the morning. This would last about a week. By the second week, the lack of companionship and routine made me start to get depressed. I would be like, 'I'M SO LONELY! NO ONE LOVES ME!". Basically my life would quickly go into a downwards spiral. I wouldn't leave the house all weekend, which meant not getting out of my pajamas or brushing my hair. Thankfully my husband never took more than three weeks so I didn't have to find out what kind of person I would become if left to fend for myself. I have a feeling it wouldn't be pretty. Why am I telling you all this? Because your behavior seems downright normal compared to mine. YOU'RE NORMAL I TELL YOU! NORMAL!. Except for the mayo on everything. That's kind of weird.

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    1. We have been apart for a week but I'd go completely over the edge if he left for two. Who knows how I'd be eating my In-N-Out if he left for more than seven days! Haha

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  2. I love that the backdrop in the dessert picture is pajama pants.

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  3. I love that the backdrop in the dessert picture is pajama pants.

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    Replies
    1. I had to throw something on to wear because there was no way I was going to set either of those things down.

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