The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Monday, November 2, 2015

I Am A Pacifist But I'm Going To Beat The S*%t Out Of My Hot Water Heater

The hot water heater should be named something else. Like, "The Bane Of My Existence," or, "The Icy Tundra From Which No Hot Water Will Ever Be Known To Any Showering Man, Woman, Or Child," or, "I Am He Who Enjoys Torturing And Taunting A Household Full Of People Who Have Places To Fucking Be!!!!!"

Every morning for a month I have had a cold shower. I'm not sure if I should punch the hot water heater itself, or the pilot light in the face, but something is getting punched today. Hard. I do not condone violence. I have succumbed to violence in the past and it is no good. It will ruin your life unless you change your ways, but just this one last time, let's all band together and murder my hot water heater real quick. And then, we can all hold hands, sing Kumbaya, and eat juniper berries under the light of a full moon.


REDRUM.


Also, my poor husband, who is normally the pilot light lighter, is at work and has to deal with my incessant phone calls, needing him to walk me through every damn step of how to relight this stupid thing, and I'm sure the poor guy needs a break. Murder the hot water heater for my poor husband. Really, when you think about it, it's for charity. My husband doesn't like when I get frustrated about things like hot water heaters, modems, or cables that go to god knows where. It's just not fair to him. I am not a very mechanically/technically/technologically/life skills inclined person, and he has to suffer from the wrath that follows the pilot light deciding to blow itself out every day. 
 
Also, the shower is the only place to escape the fighting children in the morning. I DON'T CARE WHO EATS THE LAST OF THE LUCKY CHARMS. GO. TO. SCHOOL. ALREADY. So, on top of the constant fighting and bickering, I get a cold shower. It's like fighting with four deaf-mutes (because what incentive do the kids have to listen to me other than constant candy bribes and everything else their little hearts desire???) WHILE taking a butt-ass cold shower. 

So, unless you are a sadist, you will hammer this piece of crap to the ground with me. Who's on board??? 


6 comments:

  1. I'm not a violent person either. I have no desire to harm anyone. I have at times contemplated harming the individuals responsible for the latest Windows/iPhone "upgrade" but I remind myself that those techie types can't help being functionally brain damaged and they're lucky to have jobs at all.
    And I remind myself it's not people that frustrate me but things. Wanting to take out your frustration on things doesn't make you a violent person. In fact wanting to take out your frustration on things rather than people is about as healthy as you can get.

    And now this:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRwQvhH8FWo

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    1. I think I know what you should be for next Halloween!!! :D

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  2. We got a new water heater about 7 years ago. The one we had (builder grade piece of shit) was horrible. The morning battle to get any hot water for a shower. And then there was no way you could run the dishwasher anywhere near shower (baths for the kids at that time) time or warm water laundry load time. I was willing to cough up a lot more dough to get a tankless but come to find out, there's a lot of work to do for those to even have that be an option. Grrr... Down with sucky water heaters!!

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    1. I am ready to cry every morning when I hear the girls turn the shower on and shriek. I'm glad you got a new one!! I love going to the in laws house because their water never ever gets cold!!

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  3. You know the scene in "Office Space" where the guys take baseball bats to the POS fax machine? I totally think you should do the same witht the water heater and film it while the same song plays in the background, "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta". The viewing public demands that this video exists.

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