The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Friday, October 23, 2015


Awhile back I shared with all of my readers my deep, dark secret of stealing my father-in-law's to-do lists. If you didn't catch the post, here it is:  People Who Don't Use The Internet Are Free Game. 

I just realized that should probably read Fair Game, not Free Game. Oh well.

So, the other night when we were over at the FIL's house to watch a ball game, I was in a particularly mischievous mood and when he pulled out the old atlas to look something up, I snapped a picture.

My father-in-law is the one in front sitting in the orthopedic lawn chair and my dad is the one in the back waiting for the search results for whatever city we were looking for to come to an end. My dad is with the times. He has a smart phone.

Anyway, my husband nudged me and looked at me funny, so I was like, "WHAT?" And he said, "You shouldn't be doing that. It's exploiting the elderly. You can't use him on your blog if he doesn't know about it." And I said, "He doesn't have internet, he'll never know." I should have knocked on wood, or bitten my tongue at this point. If you've never heard the expression, "Knock on wood, or bite your tongue," I am guessing it means don't jinx yourself like an idiot by saying what you don't want to happen out loud.

I didn't bite my tongue, and I didn't knock on wood so, my bad. A little later on I decided to rip out one of my father-in-law's to-do lists again when he got up to pour himself a drink, and I guess I wasn't very sneaky because the folded up list fell out of my hoodie pocket onto the floor and he picked it up and asked us all, "What the hell?? Who's ripping out my to-do list??!" Oopsie...

I guess it was more of a shopping list than a to-do list, but whatever. Still hilarious.
And, MMMMM... sloppy joes!!

So, my husband nudged me again, and I fessed up. I told my FIL that sometimes he is a jerk and I don't want to punch him so I steal his lists. I saw the light bulb go off in his head and his eyes widened as he said, "SO THAT'S WHERE ALL MY FUCKING LISTS HAVE GONE TO!!"

Yes, I am the evil daughter-in-law who has been driving this man mad for four months by stealing his thoughts. That's the power I had before I was busted. I stole someone's thoughts. I felt invincible before he busted me. It was a feeling of possessing a black magic of sorts, the ability to stop chores from being done in their tracks, and when I'd steal his shopping lists he would have to resort to eating out!! MUUUWWWAAAHAHAHAHA... SHOWED HIM!!!

 Ok, so it wasn't all that dramatic, and he took it all in good humor and he even gave me permission to write about him. At least, when he said, "I don't give a shit what you write about on your computer," that's how I took it. So, here's proof that permission was granted to exploit the elderly. Now, I just have to work on convincing my dad to write about stuff he does as he steadily rises to the age of senility. I have to get it in writing before he loses it totally though, or it will be a Harper Lee situation all over again.


 So, from here on out, I won't feel as guilty about blogging about an unsuspecting victim of my sarcasm and menial revenge tactics, and hopefully everyone will enjoy a chuckle out of our unspoken rivalry of sorts. And, it might be awhile before I can steal anything from the FIL because the last visit I paid him he told me to put my hands against the wall so he could frisk me to uncover any stolen to-do lists (or to cop a feel.... not sure). I didn't oblige him, but I did reassure him the only time he needs to worry about it is when I've had four or more beers so he let me leave without the pat down.

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  1. So you've been caught stealing. I think you need to find a whole new way to gaslight your father-in-law. Buy small but crazy things and put them in his house, but not out in the open. Buy canned squid and put it in the cabinet under the bathroom sink. Put a thong under his pillow. Put a bag of marbles in his refrigerator. When he pulls them out say, "I thought you lost those."
    Okay, that last one would be a big giveaway. I'm just saying you could have a lot of fun picking out stuff at the dollar store.

    1. I am totally doing all of that and then giving you a shout out in the blog where I reveal it to the public. Man, we really should have been in high school at the same time and in a crazy doo-wop rebel gang (kind of like the Pecan Sandies in It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia) where we could do stupid stuff and then later remember it via a spontaneous outburst of singing and snapping. Also, I've always wanted to wear a leather jacket and have a beehive hair-do.

    2. Nevermind. My husband just told me I was being mean and to do it to my own dad but that's no fun because my dad reads my blog.

  2. I just want you to know that Saturday night I wrote a HILARIOUS comment to this post but when I went to click publish, I accidentally hit the "sign out" button instead. So my funny comments were lost forever. The wine in my system may have been the reason for my poor button-pushing coordination. Also, the comment was probably not as funny when read while sober. Anyway, too bad your FIL knows about your devious list stealing. What a bummer.

    1. Ah, man, I HATE THAT. It's like dreaming up something awesome to invent or write about and then losing it upon waking. Happens every damn time!!