I am super down on myself right now. What am I fucking doing with my life?? Making babies... And...?? Why did I tell myself, "I'll just take a year off after high school and travel...," like an idiot??? I made a measly twenty-seven bucks in tips in four hours tonight and I lost my cool and cried in front of my manager like a big old baby. What the hell, Shawna?? You're tough as nails, remember??? Keep. It. Together. Woman.
I got home, tears still in my stupid waitress eyes, and of course the kids pick up on my sadness straight away. They all came up to ambush me with hugs because they're so cute it makes it me puke, and asked me the only question that can make a woman bawl harder when they're already upset, "Are you ok?"
I held my sobbing in long enough to blurt out, "YES!! GO TO COLLEGE SO YOU DON'T END UP A GODDAMNED WAITRESS!!!" And then I swiftly retreated to any place away from my kids to cry and drink a tall can in solace.
Every time I think about how my life has brought me to this point as a waitress in my mid-thirties, I think of the famous line spoken by Judy Davis in the movie The Ref with Kevin Spacey and Dennis Leary.
The quote above isn't the one I think of, but it's still pretty fucking funny, so I added it as a bonus quote. The real quote I think of every time I reflect on being a waitress is, "Well, I can't live like this. I don't care if I wind up a truck stop waitress with platinum hair and pineapple earrings!! At least I'd be alive! Better than living with a corpse."
And, I start to realize that maybe I don't have it so bad because my husband is amazing and my life is pretty cool outside of handing ranch to people who won't fucking tip me for the extra trip to the kitchen and sweeping up after jerks who throw a bunch of shit all over the floor like animals because they think waitresses are slaves and the earth is their trash can.
I think I need to just go to bed because every time I start feeling better about things, I get all worked up again and my kids are fighting over god damned Minecraft in the background right now and I want to rip every individual fucking hair out of my head while whistling Tiny Tim's Tiptoe Through The Tulips.