I thought for sure the posts that people were looking at had to have included vague references to sex or booze because normally people search for terms like "penis," or "boobs," and get redirected to my hilarious friend's blog Endearingly Wacko. She has shown me the Google Analytic page and it is honestly disturbing the things that people will search and end up on her blog.
I am totally ok with riding her coat tails and also using perverted labels to get more traffic to my blog as long as my address remains forever unknown by whatever weirdos are searching how to get denture cream off of their junk (this was a real search that led someone to Endearingly Wacko) and end up reading about my love affair with tortillas. So, as the ever classy lady I am, I will be throwing in a bunch of words like, "Prolapse," a word that was made known to me by my beautiful friend Jessie who has a disgusting sense of humor and I miss her all the time. If you don't know what it is already I will suggest using caution when googling it. You probably don't want to click on the images tab...
Also, I can't imagine a grown adult searching the term "Boobs," so I might just gain a younger fan base (like a bunch of twelve year olds) that will catapult me to fame as soon as they are all legally able to gain employment and buy my future books. And, at the rate I'm going with writing my book, it will be published just in time for their 18th birthdays.
My most "famous" post so far is the one where I created my own headstones for my family to pick from when I die of shrimp poisoning. I'm not quite sure why this one made the cut because first of all, it was really short, and second of all, it wasn't really that funny. There has to be some sort of explanation for it's sudden popularity. I mean, in less than a week that post was read 2,000 times!!! So, either there are 2,000 new fans that I have made with my wit and charm or there's one fucking weirdo out there who is obsessed with my post about engraving a passive aggressive epitaph on my headstone for all of posterity. Either way, I'm flattered.
I have tried to instill in my children that taking the easy way out isn't the way to go if they want to become successful in life, but I'm halfway through my thirties and I don't think I'm going to be a famous waitress any time soon, and if I don't start using the power of the word "Boobs," or "Boobies," or "Ta-ta's," or "Jugs," or give a shout out to Amy Schumer's semi-new video "Milk, Milk, Lemonade," it might not ever happen, guys.
If exploiting other people's exploitation of sex and the most vulgar of words doesn't work then I'm just going to have to go Kim Kardashian all over this blog in order to catapult myself toward financial freedom and a comfortable retirement. I'm not looking to get "Kim Kardashian's Butt Rich," maybe just like "Felicity Rich." I just need enough money not to worry about money and a ton of free time to paint and drink.
She should never have cut her hair.
I don't think that's too much to ask for. Am I right??