The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Two Bathrooms Is Not Enough Bathrooms

It never fails. I am in a hurry to get ready to go to work or my mom-of-four bladder decides it's now or new jeans, and one of the kids rushes right past me like a linebacker into the bathroom and slams the door in my face so they can pee first, leaving me in the hallway to cry silently while I try to hold it in vain.

I don't really follow football, but if my life depended on it, I'd root for DA BEARS
Not because I actually like them or know any of the players. This decision is based solely off of my love for the old SNL skits. I don't think there is any shame in that.

If my kids happen not to Dick Butkus their way in front of me to the bathroom I have the pleasure of peeing while someone bangs on the door and screams that they are going to pee their pants. Oh, I'm sorry, did you have four kids? Are you in your mid thirties wishing you could have a hysterectomy and a bladderectomy? NO. GO AWAY. 

It has been more than thirteen years now since I have peed alone. I won't even remember how to pee when my kids move out without the soothing sounds of warfare drums, hand-to-hand combat, and unintelligible scream-cries coming from the other side of the door. It's like a Pavlov's dog situation. As soon as someone starts whining or screaming, all of the sudden I have to pee, like how some women hear a baby cry and then need to pump their breastmilk or feed their baby. Sounds are very powerful, and I'm sure the sound the sound of silence holds a tremendous amount of power but I have fifteen more years until I find out for sure.
On the day of my last child's graduation I am going to dress as a silent monk and hold this sign.

Even without an urgent emergency of the bladder (that kind of sounds like it could be a parody of Total Eclipse Of The Heart), trying to do my hair or apply makeup is useless around here. I think I have had the time to put makeup on to where it looks halfway decent and curl my hair three times since I started my new job three months ago. And, as I have mentioned before, waitresses are tipped better based on their looks so now we all know why I am constantly broke. It's all the kids' and their tiny bladders' faults that we can't have nice things. Just kidding, I don't buy nice things because nice things get broken/burnt/stolen/lost/crushed/melted/shattered. This is why we have an extensive mason/pickle jar drinking cup collection. It's not white trash to drink out of old pickle jars, it's called upcycling, people. Get. With. The. Times.

Is it weird that this picture made me feel guilty for eating pickles and using their homes as drinking cups???
I can't afford therapy, so step up readers.

I don't really know where I was going with all of this but I do know I was mad about not being able to pee in a bathroom I pay for without getting tackled to the ground and now the steam has sort of worn off. And, I have to pee again.


  1. Now I have to pee. I could tell you I typed that then went and have now come back, but that would be too much information. I promise I washed my hands.
    Instead this just reminds me that sometimes I think we should have named our youngest dog Victor Borge. He's not a Great Dane, but he is the pianist.

    If that doesn't make sense try saying it out loud.

  2. I just have the one kid and he will sometimes do the same "barge right past me" move to get to the toilet before me. Just to be a jerk. Our house has 2 1/2 baths, so that means that there are three toilets for three people. So his little trick doesn't actually have that much meaning. It's like, "Oh, you're in here? Fine. I'll go upstairs". Still, having said that, kids are dicks. Have you ever considered using a catheter? Just an idea...

    1. You are a genius!! And, your kid sounds like he is hilarious to live with. I will never forget his idea for Lego poop.

  3. Hey is bladderectomy a thing? I hope I'm a candidate. I remember when I was a teenager, my mom got me a five minute hairstyle book. After having kids, I realize a five SECOND hairstyle book would be more like it. I'm positive that book would be a big hit!

    1. Some days I feel like performing the surgery myself. I need to learn to do some quick hairstyles for myself and for my three daughters who usually end up going to school looking like they have a band of gypsy rats living in their ponytails.