The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Feng Shui Failure

This is my art room. 

This is my art room after I applied the art of Feng Shui to it.

Notice the lack of the one gigantic box from the previous picture. I lost steam very quickly with this project.

I am a terrible housewife, interior decorator, and apparently I don't know how to Feng Shui shit properly. I decided to move furniture around in my room yesterday and then received a text from one of my best friends saying she decided it was time for her to learn the art of Feng Shui.

I was like, "NO. WAY. I literally just got done rearranging my bedroom."

And, she was all, "NO. WAY. We are kindred spirits."

And, I was like, "TOTALLY."

It almost went down exactly like that and I'm not sure why I added the valley girl stuff in there because it doesn't help my blog out in the "concrete content" department like every article I've read about becoming a millionaire from your blog says you need to have.

The same articles said something about not having a bunch of run-on sentences or to construct them in an easy-to-read way, but what the fuck do these people who I've never met and are probably just living in their parents' basement trying to make a living off of AdSense know, really???!

So, anyway, my friend told me to put something red outside of my front door.


Then, she said not to place a mirror on the wall directly across from my bed because it's bad luck and that I should have a clean open space under my bed for better sex.


So, I will never be an expert on the specifics of Feng Shui and I'm terrified that if I move that mirror from it's current resting place, I WILL BREAK IT AND HAVE SEVEN YEARS OF BAD LUCK.

Also, I should probably buy a bed frame soon(ish).


  1. It's a terrible thing when your enlightenment is fluorescent. But at least you got rid of the enormous box. Hey, you're recycling. That's got to be good for your karma. Or your chi. Or your chia pet. And if you don't have one get one of those chia pets that looks like a zombie hand coming up out of the ground so when you wake up in the middle of the night the lack of a bed frame won't bother you because there'll be a creepy hand rising up out of your dresser!

  2. Yeah, but it was a *really* good box... And, now I'm going to go spend my grocery money on zombie chia pets. THANKS A LOT, CHRISTOPHER. Now my kids won't have any milk or bread this week. I hope you're happy with what you've done.

  3. I don't follow blogs often, but when I do...
    It's probably more to do with the grin on my face the whole time I read them than any so-called "solid content." X)

  4. I'm so glad you added a photo of yourself. Though I have to ask-- are you wearing a Snuggie? No judgement (*if yes, judges you harshly*). I loved the Feng Shui pics. Especially the red toy. I think red is supposed to make money flow into your house. Better go get a bigger bank account 'cause the money is going to be rolling in like crazy soon. And I know you'll share it with your new friends, 'Cause you're a good person like that.

    1. I would totally share with you so that we could go get drunk on a beach and pretend to be super famous writers together and berate the serving staff that brings us our drinks.

      And, no, it's not a snuggie, but my post tomorrow will be featuring a snuggie. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE IN MY BRAIN.

      And, that's the only picture I could find of myself that I wouldn't be ashamed to share with the world until I drop about 30 pounds. At the rate I'm going, I'll be able to post a full body pic in about seventeen years.