Why People Don't Raise Teenagers For A Living

I know people really like lists, so I will turn all of my angry, jumbled, worried thoughts about raising my teenager into one. These are all of the reasons that no one gets paid to (or wants to) raise teenagers for a living.

1. They back sass. (My teenager doesn't really talk back that much but I *really* like that saying... BACK SASS... too cute)

2. They consume more in calories than nine of me. Your entire month's salary would be spent on one week's worth of food. Not. Worth. It.

 3. The internet is terrible and will turn your teenager into either a bridge troll or Gollum and then you must answer three riddles in order to reach your sanity on the other side of the mighty Hormonal River Of Tears And Back Sass.

Thirty white horses on a red hill,
First they champ,
Then they stamp,
Then they stand still.

 Can't solve it, eh? I'll give you a hint.

You don't bite your ten year old sister with them because her arm is invading your ridiculously large personal space bubble.

I was going to go to at least 5 on this list but I think I'll stay at Gollum.