The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Friday, July 24, 2015

It Seems Super Unfair That I Can't Cannibalize Your Italian Grandmother

I have compiled a list of things I SHOULD be paid for because I am so awesome at them. Here it is.

1. Watching old X-Files reruns on Netflix.

2. Feigning interest in your pet. I have learned that people get personally offended if you don't pet their stupid animals.

3. Grow corn to the halfway point and then neglect the shit out of it. I've done this for the last three consecutive years. I'm practically a pro at it.

4. I should be paid five cents for every time I say, "Just give mommy five minutes," like how people get paid when someone clicks an ad on their blog. (Lucky you, this blog will be ad free for another five months because AdSense is pretty sure I'm a loser)

5. Eat ALL THINGS ITALIAN. If I were to ever cannibalize someone, it would be someone's Italian grandmother. I don't think I can really go through with it though because I love grandmas and hate that feeling of being obligated to swallow something after I realize I have made a terrible mistake putting it into my mouth.

6. Drinking Coffee. Most of the things I feel that I should be paid for include eating, drinking, or watching TV. I just had one of those realizations that maybe I need to make more human contact outside of my home.

7. Redirecting or distracting small children.

Child: "Mom, can I..."

Me: *pulls candy out of pocket and scatters it on the hardwood floor*
        "OMG!!! Is that CANDY??!!"
       *runs to room to eat Italian food in silence*

8. And, finally, making the same exact mistakes OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I can't tell you why I think that one of these days I'll be able to pull off the old hold-my-laptop-and-a-cup-of-coffee-while-opening-the-sliding-glass-door trick, but I am one persistent bitch.

Never. Gonna. Happen. Put. Something. Down. Stupid. Lady.

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