The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Tonight At Work I Cried Like A Big F@%*ing Sissy

It was a bad night. Everyone has had one, I'm sure. I'm not a super over emotional person unless dealing with an unbearable amount of chaos or an unbelievable amount of delicious food placed before me to consume. I still tear up a little when I have the opportunity to cook two full packages of bacon and I look at all of those crispy, golden strips stacked up in a pyramid of crunchy, heart clogging goodness just before the masses (my children) devour them like feral wolves.

I am super down on myself right now. What am I fucking doing with my life?? Making babies... And...?? Why did I tell myself, "I'll just take a year off after high school and travel...," like an idiot??? I made a measly twenty-seven bucks in tips in four hours tonight and I lost my cool and cried in front of my manager like a big old baby. What the hell, Shawna?? You're tough as nails, remember??? Keep. It. Together. Woman.

I got home, tears still in my stupid waitress eyes, and of course the kids pick up on my sadness straight away. They all came up to ambush me with hugs because they're so cute it makes it me puke, and asked me the only question that can make a woman bawl harder when they're already upset, "Are you ok?"

I held my sobbing in long enough to blurt out, "YES!! GO TO COLLEGE SO YOU DON'T END UP A GODDAMNED WAITRESS!!!" And then I swiftly retreated to any place away from my kids to cry and drink a tall can in solace.

Every time I think about how my life has brought me to this point as a waitress in my mid-thirties, I think of the famous line spoken by Judy Davis in the movie The Ref with Kevin Spacey and Dennis Leary.



The quote above isn't the one I think of, but it's still pretty fucking funny, so I added it as a bonus quote. The real quote I think of every time I reflect on being a waitress is, "Well, I can't live like this. I don't care if I wind up a truck stop waitress with platinum hair and pineapple earrings!! At least I'd be alive! Better than living with a corpse."


And, I start to realize that maybe I don't have it so bad because my husband is amazing and my life is pretty cool outside of handing ranch to people who won't fucking tip me for the extra trip to the kitchen and sweeping up after jerks who throw a bunch of shit all over the floor like animals because they think waitresses are slaves and the earth is their trash can. 

I think I need to just go to bed because every time I start feeling better about things, I get all worked up again and my kids are fighting over god damned Minecraft in the background right now and I want to rip every individual fucking hair out of my head while whistling Tiny Tim's Tiptoe Through The Tulips.

Good. Night.

6 comments:

  1. Yikes. Sorry you're feeling down. At least your kids clue in on when you're sad/upset. I don't think mine give a rat's ass.

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    1. I'm sure that's not true!! Fake your death to find out for sure. It works every time.

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  2. You are fantastic. I know that won't sink in right now because even though you ended on a high note I'm betting that when you read this you'll still be clawing your way up and will be for a few days. No one goes into a funk that deep and comes out of it right away, although I'm glad you've got your kids and husband and a tall can there to help.
    And you're funny and smart and paint amazing paintings and holy mackerel you're quoting The Ref, second only to A Christmas Story as the funniest Christmas movie ever. Or maybe it's a tie. Not that it matters.
    And what really sucks is when I see smart, qualified people like you shut out of jobs because too many employers will only hire someone holding a piece of parchment that says "I spent four years dicking around so I can get a desk job that has nothing to do with my degree", but that's another story. And you don't need me or anyone else to solve your problems. You just need people who'll support you, and you've got that.

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    1. Thanks, Chris. You hiring at the library? Haha:) And, this blog is moreof a way to motivate me to write every day and get a damn book together because there's no pressure with a blog. When I sit to write my "book" I get all anxious and crazy and think, "90,000 words is sooooo many words...," and I type the word "The," and look at the screen for thirty minutes. I am so happy to have found all of you awesome people on here for pep talks and laughs. You rock!! :D

      Oh, and, The Ref is in my top ten for sure. I am going to buy it this weekend if I make enough tips.

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  3. Bless your little heart. I just want to jump on a plane and show up to your house and give you a big hug. But most likely you'd be like, "Oh my God, how do you know where I live you weirdo?" And then you'd call the cops and I'd have material for an awesome new blog post. (Ha). Seriously, once you write your book and are being interviewed on the Today show, you can recount funny stories like this. Stories that didn't seem funny at the time but only later in hindsight. I'm on your side no matter what! *hugs*

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    1. I wouldn't question you showing up on my doorstep. It sounds soooo Gina. And, once WE write our children's book about you being a clumsy troll, WE can laugh together about all of our past misery until we get too filthy rich, lose sight of what's important in life, get hooked on the drugs and lose everything in Vegas.

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