The first lady is in her fifties and has the abs and biceps of a 22 year old male model. She also hunts for her own food and is probably in my top ten most interesting people I've met and liked right off the bat. In between training me and suffering from a super stiff neck, this woman told me the most awesome stories about her life, including one about auctioning off a bull that no one but her could get close to because it was insane with rage or something like that. Throughout the entire story I was imaging her as a female version of Crocodile Dundee so I missed some parts of it due to daydreaming up a new blog entry.
My new coworker.
The second lady who trained me is in her early twenties and pretty much rocks at life. She has the apathy of a goddess and the mouth of a sailor and I think I love her.
As soon as we sat down to train she basically told me training is fucking stupid and she hates doing it and everyone learns from actual hands on experience so writing things on a piece of paper is pointless. Did I mention I love this lady?
I don't know what it is about people who are brutally upfront about their hatred for things and can verbalize said hatred in a string of cuss words used as adjectives, nouns, and verbs, but I am instantly smitten. Basically we sat down at a table and she cussed about the training and being pregnant for awhile and I was like, "Fuck yeah, I get you, stranger." And then, something weird happened.
Ok, maybe not X-Files weird, but weird nonetheless.
After she shifted uncomfortably in her seat and asked my permission to fart at the table (because she is pregnant and didn't feel like getting up to walk twenty feet away to release gas), I laughed and gave her my permission and then... I started to open up to this complete stranger. About really inappropriate things. Like my period and how I throw up every month from the pain of my cramps. And, I realize I'm blogging this to a bunch of strangers now but normally I don't say these things to strangers. I talk about politics and religion before I talk about my menstrual cycle to people I don't know because I think it's icky and I get really irritated by women who insist on this being an acceptable topic at any and every social gathering or event they find themselves at.
Unless you are talking to someone who has a stethoscope around their neck and a speculum in their hand or an art student who's primary focus is Georgia O'Keeffe paintings, shut the hell up about your stupid period. I didn't Google it but I'm pretty sure there's not a book similar to the beloved children's pooping book titled, "Everyone Bleeds," that can turn this topic into a semi-comical or in any way acceptable conversation.
Hey! This really does look like a Georgia O'Keeffe painting!
Anyway, I caught myself before I told her the number of people I've slept with, or my social security number, or the combination to my junior high locker I had twenty years ago, and tried my hardest to focus on the training session. But, it was difficult because I weirdly looked up to and respected this woman who is at least ten years my junior and I NEED HER TO BE MY BEST FRIEND. Ok, I'm not that needy, but after she pops that kid out I'd love to buy her a beer and listen to her describe her life using only bodily functions and profanity.
Great. Now I have this song stuck in my head.
Anyway, I guess the new job is cool. I don't think I can consider serving food as a "career path," but it seems like a great gig with some fun people and I have a feeling I'll fit in just fine.
Oh, and I just Googled, "Everyone Bleeds," because in every blogging or writing article that gives tips on how to be an awesome writer it says, "Do your homework." There's no book, but there is a song by HATEBREED (appropriately all caps) that is titled, "Everyone Bleeds Now." Which, could also be the title of a book about female troubles for people like my husband to read who have to live in a house full of women who's cycles will surely all sync up. I think I will write this book. It will just be a step-by-step tutorial of my husband's hilarious solution to dealing with a billion females on their periods at the same time. It will teach you how to both build a man cave and put together 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzles. Upside down. In the dark. For one week out of every month.