The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

My Mornings: A Series Of Pictures I Stole From The Internet

Every morning I have four kids to get ready to do stuff and things.

This is how every morning starts out. I don't own a cool alarm clock but I do own a phone with a smashed screen. And, nooooo, I didn't smash my phone with a hammer. 
My Great Dane was hungry and likes a challenge. 

After I finish hitting snooze for about an hour, I wake the children.


Then, I stumble toward the coffee maker.


I then proceed to answer 50,000 questions out of four tiny people and spill my coffee all over myself.

Today's reason I spilled my coffee all over myself.

This ugly, coffee wasting, mother fucker flew at my face this morning.
I have a neighbor to corroborate my story.
And a pair of pants and my favorite shirt to Woolite.

Then, there is the hour long game we all play that we like to call, "Mom, Where's My Other Shoe And Why Aren't You Psychic Enough To Know Where Everyone In The House Puts All Of Their Shit?"

Then, there is the hair brushing fiasco.
I drew this in honor of my youngest daughter. 
This is exactly what her hair looks like every morning when she wakes up. 
Feel free to print this out and color it next time you want to shave your kid's hair off.
Adult coloring books are all the craze and are very relaxing.


And, just before the kids are ready to walk out the door for school, the entire household erupts into one final, beautiful, chaotic display of, "WHAT AM I FORGETTING???"


And, then, as quickly as the house exploded, it is calm.

EERILY CALM...

Where...

is...

my...

TODDLER?????



Obviously, this isn't my kid.

When my kid does stuff like this my first reaction is to call an adoption agency, not pick up my phone and snap a picture to savor the moment in which my brain forgot all of the anger management training I had to endure as a teenager.

6 comments:

  1. It could be worse. There was the time I stayed in my room and told my mother I couldn't open the door in my pajamas. When she asked, "Why can't you open the door in your pajamas?" I yelled "BECAUSE I HAVEN'T GOT A DOOR IN MY PAJAMAS!" and laughed like a hyena. One of many times I got in trouble that it was worth it.
    And that giant beetle that made you spill your coffee? I let those go in the house. Yeah, I'm sure I was a joy to raise. My father said to me, "Someday you'll have kids of your own." I replied, "Maybe someday you will too."
    Don't let your kids listen to Rodney Dangerfield.

    ReplyDelete
  2. BWAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Yeah, I don't know if they're called Japanese Beetles or Green June Beetles, or WHAT... But, I know that I hate them and I want to kill them to put inside of jewelry that I make (so much for my whole "I love the environment" phase...) but my husband got mad at me and told me I can only make jewelry out of things that are already dead.

    Buzzkill.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This post reminded me of comedian's Roseanne Barr's old line..."What is my uterus -- a tracking device?" Everyone expects you to know where everything is all the time. The scary thing is...we usually do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't it EXHAUSTING being omnipotent???

      Delete
  4. See how you just drew this amazing picture and GAVE IT AWAY FOR FREE??!? That's not how jobs work. You could totally get a piece of the adult coloring book pie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, that's one of my many dreams that have been squashed. I did try to contact publishers and was turned down flat by all of them. At least I can cross Adult Coloring Book Artist off of my list of potential career moves now. It's a very long process of elimination but I'm steadily working my way down to the bottom of the barrel.

      Delete