I don't know why I run so hot. All of my kids do, too. My husband is the only one who can sleep comfortably in the house without ever breaking a sweat. The kids and I have had full on yelling matches over who gets the fan to point directly at their face for the night. It is not pretty around here when the outside temperature reaches triple digits. And, we just moved to Arizona...
On THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE, I woke up (sweaty) and went to the bathroom to pee and I notice a swarm of red ants all over the bathroom floor. Great. Just what I needed. I get the only two things that are handy in my half-asleep but full-force-premenopausal state, Windex and a roll of toilet paper. I spray all of the ants and wipe them up and flush them.
Hate them. Want to torture them.
Then, I walk out to the hallway to turn the thermostat to 73 and notice something weird on the floor...
This freak of nature is called a Camel Spider.
IT. MUST. DIE. IN. FIRE. AND. THEN. BE. DROWNED.
Did you know these guys can stand on their hind legs and chase you?
One of these little assholes CHASED ME DOWN MY OWN HALLWAY. I felt violated in every possible way. I already had toilet paper in my hand and against all of my usual, natural instincts, I squished it! WITH MY OWN HAND. I didn't even use a shoe, or a pick axe, or one of my own offspring! But, I did scream.
I woke up the entire house and all of my kids started pouring out of their rooms like baby spiders out of a mama camel spider's egg sack. Oh god, I'm not sure if I can finish this post... *gag* *scratch, scratch, scratch* *gag*...
Ok, I'm going to make it. I also woke up my husband and in my blindingly freaked out state, I jumped toward him (and onto his foot...oopsie!) in the hallway to hide behind him and out of the dead camel spider's line of sight because I'm sure even when they're dead they can see you. And, this isn't even where it ends.
We decided to go outside and get some fresh air, and by fresh air I mean smoke a cigarette (yes, we know they're bad for you...), in the fetal position on top of a ladder where no bugs could reach us. But, there were bugs, oh yes, there were MORE bugs.
We have a water bug problem, apparently. If you're seeing one of these guys for the first time, you'd call it a cockroach, which, technically I guess it is, but not the kind you're thinking of. These little guys live in our lawn and congregate around water. FUN!!
DIE. A. BILLION. DEATHS.
So, I kill about a thousand of these guys and then we head into our room to go to bed. My husband finds one of these suckers that escaped the yard and crawled under the front door and retreated to our room. My husband quickly polished his armor, jumped down from atop his gallant white stead, and dueled the water bug with the bottom of his shoe. For my honor.
Just as I'm about to get into bed, I see more ants on the hardwood floor. Kill. Smash. Kill. Kill. This goes on for awhile. And then I see...
WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS GOING ON???
So, the ending of the story is not happy. I left my children and husband to fend for themselves and moved on to a better, brighter, plastic bubble in an insane asylum where they let me eat Xanax for dinner. I'm sure they'll all be fine.
Update: In an attempt to gain back my affection and amazing pasta cooking skills, and because he promised me in his wedding vows that he'd kill spiders for me until we both die and can't back out now (sucker), my husband bought some sort of spray that kills everything with more than four legs within a fifty mile radius.
I moved back in to the house. RELUCTANTLY. Do you know how hard it is to cook a casserole wearing mesh body armor and a beekeeper's hat???