The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

The Eagles Won't Survive The Zombie Apocalypse And Love Will Not Keep Us Alive.

I love the Eagles. They are right up there in my top ten bands of all time. When I was a kid I was hooked on the cassette tape left at my house by a friend I admired very much. I listened to that and Jane's Addiction pretty much non-stop for a year. I'm pretty sure my friend asked me to mail them back to her and I ignored her request. I wasn't a very good friend.

 The Eagles in their heyday.
At least two of these guys look like they had a rough night before this photo shoot.

When I met my husband he told me one of his all time favorite bands is The Eagles, too. Weird, I mean what are the chances? Only 700,000,000 people drunkenly scream, "THIS IS MY JAM!!!," when Hotel California starts playing in any bar across the world. After we moved in together and things would be kind of tight money-wise at the end of every month for a couple of days before our paychecks would hit, we would always sing to each other the famous song, "Love Will Keep Us Alive." Then, we'd laugh, and then we'd go back to stressing out.

I was thinking about that song this morning, probably because I have a week until we get our paychecks and we ran out of every necessity in the house. How does that even happen? Every month without fail we run out of dish soap, laundry detergent, dog food, and toilet paper all on the SAME damn day. Anyway, how do The Eagles figure that love would keep them alive or, at the very least, well stocked?

We ran out of toilet paper so I kissed my husband. I thought, "Well, maybe love can't keep you alive but it should at least pull it's weight and buy a few household goods." Didn't work. Love is a lazy freeloader.

Then, I got to thinking about what love's role in the zombie apocalypse would be. I mean, it's kind of been a hot topic for the last ten years or so and love really should have been making some preparations just in case the CDC releases a virus to thin the herd.  Maybe just a small bug out bag with a couple of MREs? Maybe love should have thought about taking a class on knot tying or shelter building? I mean, don't get me wrong. Love's great. It makes you feel lightheaded and tingly and it's 80% the reason why most babies were made. But, if love can't build a makeshift shelter that would go undetected by zombies or scavengers, what the hell good is it?

My son made this "castle" this morning and I'm pretty sure this is more sturdy and effective than anything love could build. There's a couple of mix-match shoes, one of my mixing bowls, a dustpan which could be used as a weapon, and you can't see them in the picture but there is a poker chip (for bartering) and a winter mitten in the mix. Love's got nothing on my toddler's shelter making skills.

Also, Don Henley, did you ever stop to think how love can provide clean drinking water for the masses? Because WATER keeps you alive. People say, "There's someone for everyone," but they don't really mean that because some people are just unlovable assholes, so what about those guys? They are just left, unloved, to wither away and dehydrate while love goes around keeping everyone else alive? No. You want to know how I know love can't provide anyone with clean drinking water and keep people alive? It's because love doesn't have a bladder. 

  Love is not as effective as your own urine when it comes to this staying alive business.

So, if this post has taught you anything, it's that a bucket full of pee is worth more than a world full of love if survival is on the line. If it's not a case of life or death, I suppose love is more important than a pot of potable urine.


  1. I just came here after reading the most recent post on Karen's house got TP'd and she was able to gather up 7 rolls of partially used toilet paper to use in the future. I immediately thought of you. You need to ask your oldest child to get into a bitch fight with the girls at school. Free toilet paper baby! In advance-- YOU'RE WELCOME!

  2. Holy Crap! You're a genius!! And, I'm repromoting this one tomorrow because it is my favorite one I've written to date. No one else is as into The Eagles as I am, or WHAT???

  3. Gerald and I LOVE the Eagles! :-) Maybe you could come up with more realistic lyrics. Food Will Keep Us Alive? Ha. And Gina's right, we scored in the toilet paper department this weekend. I guess having preteens/teenagers pays off on occasion.

    1. I guess I need to change my perspective a little because I have teens and preteens but I just always assumed they were the reason we run out of everything. Besides the dog food. I saw The Eagles in concert and it was one of the best times I've had at a concert. They were so, so good!!