One minute they are spinning in circles so fast that they could burn holes into the hardwood floors with their heels, and the very next minute after I ask them to clean ANYTHING t...i...m...e... s...l...o...w...s... d...o...w...n... s...o... s...l...o...w... t...h...a...t... I... c...a...n... l...i...t...e...r...a...l...l...y... h...e...a...r... t...h...e... u...i...v...e...r...s...e... w...e...e...p...i...n...g... f...o...r...
MYDEARLYDEPARTEDFUCKINGPATIENCE!!!
I can't handle watching the kids clean slowly. This is why I usually end up doing things for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they'll grow up to be sponges and never learn how to properly function in society... I've heard the whole lecture about not being a helicopter parent, and I don't care. I would rather loom over my child and snatch the cleaning supplies from their hand than watch them wash down the bathroom counter at the speed of smell.
If the rate of speed in which one cleans was measured in the speed of cycling, the photos below would accurately depict the difference between my cleaning and the kids' cleaning.
How I clean.
How my children clean.
I have written an entire manuscript for another Back To The Future sequel in my head based on my children doing chores and defying every law of time and space known to man without the use of futuristic technology. It starts out with a 27 minute long scene of my daughter moving a sponge over two square inches of table so slowly that the entire audience is lulled to sleep with the calming, repetitive motion of barely wiping anything tangible up.
I hope Christopher Lloyd agrees to be in the new movie. Coincidentally, this is the exact same face I make while I watch my kids clean.
After the entire audience is fast asleep, the movie really starts to get good. There will be two more scenes in the movie, both about 30 minutes long. The second scene will be me condescendingly showing the children how to use a broom and teaching them that dust is basically all of our dead skin slow dancing in the air together until it dies and settles onto everything in the house. The third scene will just be me weeping into a bowl of broccoli alfredo penne pasta in the dark. The audience will only be able to hear the audio in the last scene BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE ME LIKE THIS!!!
And, boom. The movie is a huge success, I rake in a ton of cash, and I hire a fucking maid because it physically pains me to watch the children scrub a toilet.
Amen sister. I just have the one kid but when I ask him to do something as simple as pick up his toys from one messy pile in the middle of the floor and move them to a slighter less messy pile in the corner of the room he loses all use of his muscles. He will even say things like, "I'm boneless. I can't move". And then he will lie on the floor like the useless lump that he is. I don't have any advice for you but you do have my deep and never-ending sympathy.
ReplyDeleteAhhh... The ol' boneless excuse! One of my favorites. Hahaha:)
DeleteI'm guessing all four are too young to be left on their own. It will be so much easier when you can give them a task and then leave. At least I hope so for your sake. Sooner or later they're going to have to figure out how to do things on their own. A friend of mine had the messiest room of anyone I've ever known. He'd clean it once a year. I'm not kidding. His mother let him get away with that. I remember the first annual cleaning. I was surprised he had a hardwood floor. Looking back I feel so sorry for his mother.
ReplyDeleteI would post a picture of my kids' rooms but I believe that is called public shaming and it is frowned upon now. And, yes, they are too young to be left feral in the wilderness.
DeleteSo funny. I'm the same way, watching my sons clean. I've learned to swallow my annoyance if my son stacks the dishwasher weird or misses half the mess wiping the counter. As long as they help, I tell myself that's what matters. (Plus, when they're not looking I re-stack the dishwasher and re-wipe the counter).
ReplyDeleteHahaha:) I try really hard not to be upset if they don't do things the way I'd do them because that's not fair but 30 minutes to clean something the size of a toddler's shoe?? I just have a hard time remembering what it feels like to be a kid and I need to keep that in perspective.
DeleteMy youngest is so coddled he couldn't figure out how to lock/unlock the door. Everybody else usually does EVERYTHING for him, like locking/unlocking doors.
ReplyDeleteOh man, I wish my two year old didn't know how to lock doors! That's been a real problem lately.
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