I don't know why I run so hot. All of my kids do, too. My husband is the only one who can sleep comfortably in the house without ever breaking a sweat. The kids and I have had full on yelling matches over who gets the fan to point directly at their face for the night. It is not pretty around here when the outside temperature reaches triple digits. And, we just moved to Arizona...
On THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE, I woke up (sweaty) and went to the bathroom to pee and I notice a swarm of red ants all over the bathroom floor. Great. Just what I needed. I get the only two things that are handy in my half-asleep but full-force-premenopausal state, Windex and a roll of toilet paper. I spray all of the ants and wipe them up and flush them.
Hate them. Want to torture them.
Then, I walk out to the hallway to turn the thermostat to 73 and notice something weird on the floor...
This freak of nature is called a Camel Spider.
IT. MUST. DIE. IN. FIRE. AND. THEN. BE. DROWNED.
Did you know these guys can stand on their hind legs and chase you?
THEY. CAN.
One of these little assholes CHASED ME DOWN MY OWN HALLWAY. I felt violated in every possible way. I already had toilet paper in my hand and against all of my usual, natural instincts, I squished it! WITH MY OWN HAND. I didn't even use a shoe, or a pick axe, or one of my own offspring! But, I did scream.
REALLY LOUD.
I woke up the entire house and all of my kids started pouring out of their rooms like baby spiders out of a mama camel spider's egg sack. Oh god, I'm not sure if I can finish this post... *gag* *scratch, scratch, scratch* *gag*...
Ok, I'm going to make it. I also woke up my husband and in my blindingly freaked out state, I jumped toward him (and onto his foot...oopsie!) in the hallway to hide behind him and out of the dead camel spider's line of sight because I'm sure even when they're dead they can see you. And, this isn't even where it ends.
We decided to go outside and get some fresh air, and by fresh air I mean smoke a cigarette (yes, we know they're bad for you...), in the fetal position on top of a ladder where no bugs could reach us. But, there were bugs, oh yes, there were MORE bugs.
We have a water bug problem, apparently. If you're seeing one of these guys for the first time, you'd call it a cockroach, which, technically I guess it is, but not the kind you're thinking of. These little guys live in our lawn and congregate around water. FUN!!
DIE. A. BILLION. DEATHS.
So, I kill about a thousand of these guys and then we head into our room to go to bed. My husband finds one of these suckers that escaped the yard and crawled under the front door and retreated to our room. My husband quickly polished his armor, jumped down from atop his gallant white stead, and dueled the water bug with the bottom of his shoe. For my honor.
Just as I'm about to get into bed, I see more ants on the hardwood floor. Kill. Smash. Kill. Kill. This goes on for awhile. And then I see...
...this asshole.
WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS GOING ON???
So, the ending of the story is not happy. I left my children and husband to fend for themselves and moved on to a better, brighter, plastic bubble in an insane asylum where they let me eat Xanax for dinner. I'm sure they'll all be fine.
Update: In an attempt to gain back my affection and amazing pasta cooking skills, and because he promised me in his wedding vows that he'd kill spiders for me until we both die and can't back out now (sucker), my husband bought some sort of spray that kills everything with more than four legs within a fifty mile radius.
I moved back in to the house. RELUCTANTLY. Do you know how hard it is to cook a casserole wearing mesh body armor and a beekeeper's hat???
Nothing about this post is okay. NOTHING. and this is coming from some one who's Mantra is you are not allowed to be afraid of something you can squish with your shoe.
ReplyDeleteThings are getting better now. My husband bought two different kinds of sprays and has annihilated everything in sight. I love him when he murders small creatures.
DeleteI can not explain how much I detest spiders. At my old house I had black widows. EVERYWHERE!! No amount of sprays, or bug bombs, or exterminators could get rid of them. I wouldn't enter my gardening shed, for like two years, cuz there were so many.
ReplyDeleteNow, in my new house I have wolf spiders. Those videos you see are real. I've swatted some and hundreds of little babies swarm around.
Ugh. And thanks, now I've got the shivers.
Ewwwwww... Those are the two worst kinds of spiders just after the camel spider.
DeleteThis is so wrong, but I love spiders. There's arachnophobia so I guess technically the opposite of that would be arachnophilia, but that sounds like I want to have sex with spiders, which I wouldn't want even if it were physically possible. I just really dig spiders. Charlotte's Web was my favorite book as a kid, and I sobbed at the end because it seemed so wrong that the spider dies and the damn pig survives.
ReplyDeleteI know you stopped reading after the first sentence, but here's the thing: spiders eat those other bugs. They will eat the ants. They will eat the water bugs. They will eat that thing that I think is a silverfish. That's what makes them so cool.
I know this must be really, really, really hard, and hopefully you won't see any more spiders--especially those camel spiders because those things even creep me out a little bit and as a kid I used to catch bugs and feed them to a giant garden spider.
What I'm getting at is that has hard as it is to believe the spiders are on your side.
I let the daddy long leg spiders live out their lives harmoniously and untouched in the corners. Did you know that they are more poisonous than black widows? It's probably true! I usually don't kill ANYTHING if I can help it because I really do value even the smallest bug's life. The other night there were just too many lives to care about. My husband actually gets irritated with me (and has stopped doing this) because I always ask him to catch and release things. And, he made fun of me because I saw a water bug suffering from the spray and I said I felt bad for it. :(
ReplyDeleteIt's an urban legend that daddy long leg spiders are more poisonous than black widows. Also here's a funny story about black widows: back in the early 20th century a scientist decided to study the effects of their venom so he purposely got himself bitten. But it was really hard to do. He had to push the spider back into a corner and poke it several times before it finally said, "Oh, I give up" and bit him.
DeleteSo it's nice that you feel bad for those little lives. They really don't want to hurt you.
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! *Runs around with arms flailing*. The only thing that would make this worse would be scorpions. I lived in Arizon briefly when I was 18 and we had a horrible scorpion infestation. My sister got bit in her bed. I found one in my shoe once. And in the bathroom sink. And kitchen floor. You get the idea. Ugh, it was horrible. I may still suffer a tinge of PTSD from those experiences. You have my sincere and deep sympathy. Stay safe my friend!
ReplyDeleteIf and when I find a scorpion in my house I'll be really thankful that my brother in law owns it and has homeowners and renters insurance because I'll torch this bitch straight to the ground.
Delete"...pouring out of their rooms like baby spiders out of a mama camel spider's egg sack" BAHAHAHA
ReplyDeleteThat does sound truly horrendous though.
"...pouring out of their rooms like baby spiders out of a mama camel spider's egg sack" BAHAHAHA
ReplyDeleteThat does sound truly horrendous though.
It was the worst.
Delete