The People Who Choose To Love Me

The People Who Choose To Love Me
This is my family. Watermark and all.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

The Only Thing I'm Good At Is Writing Lists Of Everything I'm Bad At

I think the reason I started this blog was to work through some personal issues that seem to be the root of the problem that is my lack of a career.

If I had a nickel for every time I changed my mind about what I should be doing for a living I'd probably have about $2.15 and, for whatever nonsensical reason, coming up with a new profession or passion every six months isn't profitable enough to be a career on it's own. Pffft.

DREAMING UP HALF BRAINED IDEAS 

I wish I could write something poignant, and insightful, and painfully beautiful about The Great Job Depression Of My Adulthood, but I'm afraid blogging a list of job titles I've held in the past in a large font accompanied by the strike-through option is what I'm reduced to.

BABYSITTER
McDONALD'S EMPLOYEE
BILL COLLECTOR
PHONE SURVEYOR
PHOTOJOURNALIST
MACFRUGAL'S EMPLOYEE
BIG LOTS EMPLOYEE
ROSS EMPLOYEE
MANAGER OF VISUAL DESIGN
ENTREPRENEUR
DAYCARE PROVIDER
TEACHER AIDE
RADIO STATION EMPLOYEE
JANITOR
CATERER
AUTHOR OF THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL
NOBEL PEACE PRIZE WINNER

I've been sitting here staring at this list trying to think of the other 30 things I've tried my hand at for a living and I'm drawing a blank. In all fairness though, there's a movie playing right now starring Bill Hader and Kristen Wig and it is soooo hard to concentrate through their hilarity. 

LIST WRITING
CONCENTRATING WHEN THE TV IS ON
Amazing movie. I highly recommend watching this if you're going through a mid-life crisis. Even if you're not in the middle of an emotional breakdown, it's probably still great.

Oh yeah, there was that time when my husband and I opened our own art gallery. I guess, technically, this would fall under entrepreneurship so I'll just lump that in there with my failed kids' graphic t-shirt business, Spit & Vinegar Apparel, that I started without researching. 

CREATING A CONCRETE BUSINESS PLAN

Oopsie daisy!!

My entire life has been a series of impulsive (don't get me wrong, it's been a blast!), barely thought out decisions that have all accumulated into this person I seem to have become. A mother of four who waitresses part time and tries her hardest, but usually fails, to care about the environment.  I guess, if it has to be simplified, that's what it is. 

 Shit.

ARTIST
STARVING ARTIST
ADULT COLORING BOOK ARTIST (NOT THAT KIND)
I was trying to draw a bunch of these to compile a book and to try and relieve stress from being a stay-at-home mom, but it kind of backfired because this drawing gives me panic attacks.


TATTOO APPRENTICE
FLEA MARKET FLIPPER (see previous posts for deets)
UPCYCLED PLASTIC JEWELRY DESIGNER


And, through all of these failures and opportunities squandered, the one thing I have managed to do is be an attentive mom of four amazing kiddos, and knowing that I'm trying my best at holding that job title kind of makes all of these other things not matter so much.

Ok, so I was sitting, blogging, ten feet away from my child when she decided to stuff herself into a Home Depot bucket and I didn't realize what she had done until she screamed for help, so maybe 'attentive' isn't the best adjective for my mothering skills. But, I did help her out of the bucket and told her to hide her face so no internet creepers would know her identity... I'll count it as a draw.

ATTENTIVE MOTHER


MASTER OF  REMOVING CHILDREN FROM BUCKETS!!

Nailed it.

10 comments:

  1. That's the problem. We do many things, but if they don't pay, then we feel we're not doing anything. If you actually received cash for mothering, cleaning, writing, etc. you'd probably be a very wealthy woman!

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  2. I wonder why that is, that moms put so much pressure on themselves? My dream job would be to make casseroles for a living.

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    1. I'm gonna sound like a smartass, but I'm really being serious: casseroles could be an untapped niche in the market. Bake-at-home pizza has become a big thing, so why not a pre-made casserole that comes with a separate packet of chips, crackers, or bread crumbs that you spread over the top before you pop it in the oven? Casseroles used to be for people who didn't have time to make a meal of a bunch of dishes, but sometimes people don't have time to make a casserole. Stouffer's makes a family-sized mac'n'cheese that's supposed to feed eight people (don't get me started on how it's really for two or maybe one) but a full-sized tuna casserole would be so much better.

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    2. Mama Jack's Tater Tot Casserole!! Who wants to invest in this beezy? It's happening, people!!

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    3. Mmmmm... tater tot casserole.. (that's in my Homer Simpson voice).

      Oh how sometimes I would like to up and quit my job, but I don't think they'd pay me anymore. So unfair.

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    4. I'm making necklaces out of dead bugs and journals out of old pasta boxes today. It's probably a good thing I was employed outside of my home finally because things are getting weird around here.

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  3. Replies
    1. Thanks for reading, Lanessa!! Glad you can relate!! :D

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  4. First, the photo of the child in the bucket-- hahahaha! Hilarious. It looks like something my kid would do.

    So a frozen casserole business actually sounds do-able. It would have to be "ALL NATURAL! WITH FRESH INGREDIENTS" and have lots of other descriptions in all caps like you are yelling at the buyer. "ORGANIC KALE!" "NO GMO'S!" Anyway, everything that is old is new again; time to bring back the casserole. Just don't make it too fancy so it ends up at Whole Foods for $29.99. It needs to be at Trader Joes for $9.99. Well what are you doing? Quite reading this and get your ass into the kitchen girl!

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    1. Oh man, I'd love to distribute food through Trader Joe's!! And, what are you talking about get IN the kitchen?? That is where I live. I never get out. I cook ALL DAMN DAY. I just roll a sleeping bag out next to the oven at night. It keeps me warm and I have a built in alarm clock built on the range.

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